I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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