Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
