one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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