Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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