i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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