She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
