Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
