i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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