How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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