i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
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Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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