when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
