I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
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