Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
