I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
