tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
