We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
