Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
