what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
