At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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