It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
