So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.