he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.