you told grandpa to call you daddy
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
