If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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