i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
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i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
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I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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