I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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