I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
