Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
