So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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