Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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