my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
