If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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