he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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