last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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