I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
