why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
