An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
