I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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