Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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