Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
