By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
