Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
