Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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