My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
