bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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