Please, let me fuck your mom
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
