I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
