im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
