What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
