Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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