My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
