Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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