I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
