dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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