Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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