i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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